The Wellness Gap: When You Know the Answers but Still Struggle

People often come to me for advice on how to feel better. I know the language. I’ve read the books, facilitated the trainings, and created the PowerPoints. I can quote self-care strategies like scripture. But the truth? I don’t always follow them myself.

As a neurodivergent Black woman, maintaining mental wellness isn’t a simple checklist. It’s a daily negotiation between my body, my brain, my history, and this world. And despite all my knowledge, I often find myself running on fumes, wondering how I got so depleted when I should know better.

But that’s the trap, isn’t it? The shame that creeps in when we think we should be doing more, doing better. We hold ourselves to standards that don’t account for our capacity. The same grace we extend to others, we deny ourselves.

Wellness, for me, doesn't always look like yoga or green smoothies. Sometimes it's canceling plans without guilt. Sometimes it’s crying for no reason. Sometimes it’s listening to the same song on repeat because it regulates my nervous system better than any breathing exercise ever has.

What works for someone else might not work for me—and that has to be okay.

The intersection of being Black, neurodivergent, and a woman creates a specific type of pressure. We are expected to carry so much. We mask, we perform, we survive. And even our rest has to be productive. The world rarely offers us softness, so we forget how to offer it to ourselves.

So here’s my truth: I don’t always take my own advice. I tell people to slow down while I speed past my own limits. I encourage rest while I overextend. I know what to say, but sometimes I forget how to live it.

But I’m learning. Slowly.

I’m learning that wellness is not a fixed identity; it’s a rhythm. Some days I’m in sync, other days I’m offbeat. I’m learning that mental wellness doesn’t mean always feeling good—it means making space for all the ways I do feel.

So, if you’re like me (someone who holds space for others but struggles to hold it for yourself), know that you’re not alone. Your journey doesn’t have to look polished to be valid. Give yourself the compassion you so freely offer everyone else. That, too, is wellness.

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month, be kind to yourself and be kind to others!