Counting Down the Days: I set my Expiration Date!
I have been thinking a lot about the reality of death. Death is so final. The realization that my Grandma will never come back hits me in the gut daily. I cannot tell you the number of times I have a significant moment and think, “I need to call and tell Grandma”. Even insignificant moments, I think to call her. In these moments, the reality that I no longer have my person hits even harder. She was my person. I look around and I feel like everyone has their somebody. I feel like my Grandma was my somebody. I’m not ashamed to say that either. If I needed to call someone, she was there. If I needed someone to take a ride with me, she was down. She was my person and now she is gone.
Wow… writing that punched me in the heart. That was INTENSE!
My life has been centered around time and numbers. For example, I recently experienced my 30th birthday. I cannot say celebrated because that day was far from celebratory, unfortunately. I have said for so many years that I did not want to turn 30. I don’t know what catastrophic even I expected to happen, but I dreaded that day and year. The countdown eventually ended, the day came, and I cried ALL DAY! I came across an article referring to Grief Equations. In reading the article, the author explains that in grief, people often turn their grieving into equations. INSANE, right? When I really thought about it, I realized I do it all of the time. For example, I think, “How many more children will I have, who won’t know my Grandma?” I am obsessed with keeping up with how many months I have lived without her. The reality of how many more months… or years… I have to live without her scares me even more. I look around at my family members and notice that we are all grieving differently. Our grief presents more internally than externally. We have not been much of an expressive family. So, often times I feel like my grief is overexaggerated or overdone. I think, well it has been nearly nine months since she has been gone, why does it still feel like yesterday for me? Why are the feelings still so intense? Why am I still not able to fathom moving on without her? Life around me is still moving on, so what is wrong with me? I found a formula in an article that broke down a common grief expectation into an equation:
“Acceptable level of grief = Closeness of person lost – time since death”
I remember December 31, 2021, I was so conflicted. How can I go into a new year and leave my Grandma behind? It bothered me so. I am in a secular grief group on Facebook. There I hear the experiences and perspectives of others who are navigating grief. It was sort of a relief to see that others had the fear of leaving a loved one behind for the new year. Don’t get me wrong, I hate that we have this in common, but it feels good to know I’m not alone in the experience. Grieving has been such a lonely experience for me.
“Current level of grief = Current loss + All other losses * Severity”
On top of my grief, I am dealing with so many other losses. I grieve the loss of my childhood, many years ago. I grieve the loss of the wonderful life I expected to have. I grieve the loss of the happy and optimistic person I used to be. I grieve all that I want to be, the hope that I am losing hold of, the future that I once felt I had in my hands. All these losses on top of my new grief sends me over the edge often. The realities of life hurt so badly that I actually threw in the towel. I allotted myself a little over six months to get things in order and then I decided I will end my human experience.
How do I HEAL?
Healing
o The process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.
o Tending to heal; therapeutic
Healing is such a beautiful word. I bet being on the other side of “healing”, being “healed” is an ecstatic feeling. I hope I am able to truly say that I am there one day. Navigating through grief is a process and I truly understand and accept that I must take my time. I am working to be patient with myself, as I am often hard on myself. I stopped therapy a couple of years ago. It was not working out for me, but I know that I need to find a therapist match and remain consistent. Until then, I will continue to blog and work on creating a beautiful platform that can be used beyond my time here.
I write this to show transparency. I am on social media all the time from Facebook to Instagram to LinkedIn… everyone appears to have it together. I am not here to appear to have it all together. To someone out there, I probably appear that I do. The reality is, although I have accomplished a lot, I struggle too. I know firsthand the pain and frustration that can with trying to heal. Take the walk with me and let’s heal together.
I wish peace, love, and healing for all of you.
Dr. Kay Lo Jo
