Chiile, “Control Your Emotions”
Happy New Month!
Wow, this year is flying by.
How many times have you heard the saying, “Control your emotions”? What does that really mean? According to a local 11 year old, “I think it means somthing you do… like if I’m mad and want to punch a pillow, I try to control it. You try not to punch the pillow.” There are many potential interpretations of that saying. Depending on the context and the tone, if someone told me to control my emotions, I would assume they do not want me to display my emotions, especially if those emotions evoke unpleasant feelings. Oftentimes, people tend to take the saying a interpret it as “don’t let your emotions show”. This results in compartmentalizing the “bad” feelings.
I think back to childhood. As a baby, you are encouraged to display of emotions. Showing emotions, whether it’s happiness, sadness, anger, or excitement, it’s communication. But, as the baby grows older, becoming a toddler, youth, adolescent, teen… those displays of emotions, particularly those emotions that are considered “negative”. Have you ever heard of a parent to their child saying, “fix your face, before I give you something to really be upset about”? This approach discourages expressing emotions and minimizes what the child may be feeling at the time. Hearing this on a regular basis could ultimately lead to an inappropriate expression of feelings in the long run.
As a young adult, I found myself stifling my emotions. I felt a variety of emotions and feelings. I tried my best to suppress the uncomfortable ones. I endured a series unfortunate trauma in my late teen years, that shifted the trajectory of my life. I found myself bottling all of my feelings inside. It began to spill over fast. It spilled over in my family relationships, it spilled into my romantic relationships, it spilled into my professional life, it spilled into my social life, all of my interactions. It became very unhealthy and I became very unhealthy. To be honest, there’s still a bit of residuals lingering, and I often find myself wiping small spills, but it’s far more controlled.
Being able to be in tuned with your emotions, and be in control of your emotions is indeed a skill. If you’re like me and have to unlearn old habits, it takes a lot of work. There are many benefits for “controlling” emotions.
It helps with improved decision making.
Smoother social interactions
Vital for self-care
So, how do I control my emotions?
Think about what you are feeling
Really take a brief moment to focus on what you are feeling. Are you feeling sadness, frustration, aggravation, anger, loneliness..? Are you feeling any physical pains? Are these familiar feelings?
Determine what is causing those feelings
What has triggered this emotional reaction? Are you overwhelmed with tasks? Are you anxious about an upcoming event or exam? Are you afraid of the future? Do interactions with a certain person or group cause you to feel this way?
Accept those emotions.
Understand that those feelings are there. You have identified how you feel, what may be triggering those feelings, but you also have to accept that those feelings are there. This is important for processing and working through those emotions. If you are crying (happy or sad reaction), don’t try to convince yourself to “chill out”. You don’t want to invalidate the feelings that you’re feeling or the lessen what you are experiencing. Learn to be comfortable in your emotions. Be comfortable in your healthy expressions of emotions.
Think REGULATE, not REPRESS
Do not fall back into old habits of hiding your emotions or ignoring your emotions. You want to feel those emotions and express them appropriately. Think about it feeding the body. The body needs to be fed to receive the necessary nutrients to sustain life. You don’t want to feed the body non-stop without exercise. On the otherhand, you don’t want to withhold food from the body either. This is sort of like our emotions. You don’t want to constantly ignore your emotions, without regulation. You also, don’t want to suppress your emotions. It is important to exercise control over those emotions. Expressing your emotions is healthy, but do so in a healthy way.
Take time to breathe
Sometimes you have to decompress. Find a quiet place and practice deep breathing. Start with about 10 slow, deep breaths. If you aren’t able to regulate your emotions, try to add on 5 more slow, deep breaths. This could also be a good time to incorporate some meditation.
Put your feelings in a journal
If you like to write, journal your feelings and emotions. Putting your feelings on paper can be therapeutic. Simply writing your feelings down can be empowering.
Talk it out
If you have someone you trust, talk to them. Talk your feelings out with someone you feel safe with… someone you feel comfortable with. Sometimes being heard, and eliciting feedback from someone you trust, can help with emotional regulation.
Be Proactive
Take control of your stress. Find ways to reduce or lessen stress. Some helpful stress reducing strategies are getting enough sleep, getting regular exercise, finding ways to relax, make time for socialization, treat yourself, and ask for help when needed.
To concluse, you want to feel your emotions, process your emotions, work through your emotions, show your emotions (in healthy ways, of course)… but don’t allow your emotions to overwhelm you to the extent that you begin to lose yourself.
If you every feel that you are unable to regulate your feelings and the emotions are becoming too much to handle, seek help!
Remember it’s better to be proactive and intervene, than to be too late.
I am Dr. Kay
