I’m nervous about September
Wow it is September already! What a rocky year this has been. I am so glad to have survived, let me be upfront. This month, my plan is to officially begin the podcast. Please look out for it and tune in!
So, why is this titled “I’m nervous about September”? September 2021, was bitter sweet! By this time last year, I had accepted a contractor role with a federal agency, in a new city. I was very excited, as it felt that I was finally about to thrive in my field. Mid-month, I flew to begin the badging process and I can remember my excitement when I finally had the badge in my hand. I was on top of the world! Of course, there were a few bumps that I had to cross, but overall things were looking up. Things were SWEET! But, by the end of the month, my world came crashing down. September 28, 2021, I lost my Grandmother suddenly. I do not think a day goes by that I don’t relive her last moments with me. I can still hear her gasping for air. I can still see myself going into the other room, out of view, collapsing on the floor, begging for whatever divine force that exists to intervene. I can still feel the sudden burning in my chest as we drove over to the hospital to see Grandma. I don’t know why, but that day I knew life was not going to be the same.
I am nervous about September 28, 2022. I am nervous that I will contemplate suicide during National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. I am nervous that I will not be able to talk myself out of taking my life. Since my Grandma’s passing, along with grieving other aspects of my life, the urge to die has been one hell of a force. You see, when I’m in that hopelessly numb headspace, I cannot see reason for any other way out. Suicide seems easy. Suicide seems fast. Suicide is permanent, which when I’m feeling low is what I most desire.
I have found that instead of facing my problems and feelings, I find activities to distract myself. I have always been this way. Before I completed my program, I always knew I had my dissertation to complete as a distraction. But, months without that, I have nothing. So what did I do? Instead of putting more time into career certificates I’ve signed up for, this business I’m trying to get off the ground, studying for interviews… I re-enrolled in school. face palm! Yes, that’ll solve my problems right? I am such a professional student. This will not solve the issues I’m trying to avoid. It’s actually going to exacerbate some problems that I already have on my radar. But, that was my GENIUS solution.
I shared all of that to remind you that I am figuring my life out too. I advocate for high quality mental health care and access to such for all. I advocate against suicide. I speak about how wonderful and fulfilling life can be. I definitely believe it, but I am working on myself too. Healing is a lifelong process. Healing is challenging. Healing is work. I am willing to fight through the process. I accept the challenge. I am going to do the work. This month, I will take some time to incorporate a new self-care routine in my life.
Please, keep me and my family in your thoughts as we survive this month.
This blog and all that I do is dedicated in memory of my Grandmother, Lorata F. Franklin (January 21, 1940- September 28, 2021). Thank you for 29 wonderful years! I cherish the memories and will ensure that your legacy will live on.
