Reboot: Working on My Wellness

Happy August! May this month be full of wellness, for each of you!

Thank you for visiting my website and reading my blog. I took a few weeks off, because I had to take a step back to get control of my own wellness. I go through waves of contentment and complete agony on a daily basis. The agony seems to last longer than any joyous feelings.

How to recognize when it’s time for a reboot?

When the hopelessness sets in, it’s time for a reboot. When the lack of motivation sets in, it’s time for a reboot. When the suicidal thoughts set in, it’s time for a reboot. Yes, I admit I contemplate suicide more times than not. It seems like the only viable option to escape the barriers of my mind. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the light fixture in your room, wondering if it will support the weight of your body? Have you ever been so afraid of your mind and thoughts that you opt to sleep on the couch in the living room to avoid potential life ending measures in your bedroom? Well, that’s just a bit of what I have been living with lately. Fortunately, I have been finding ways to cope. One thing I did to stay alive was adopt a rabbit. I think, well that will be one more being depending on me. I cannot die, yet. The opportunity came to me to die one night, recently. I was heading home from a date, it was about 1AM. I was going around a curve and before I knew it, headlights were barrelling in my direction. Apparently, a Kia Soul decided to illegally pass a semi on a double yellow line. The Kia Soul flashed its lights to me. I thought for a split second, this could be my way out of here! This could be my opportunity to die and no one would have to know that I am suicidal in the first place. But, the thought that I had just text my daughter that I was on my way home and I could not let her down. So, I swerved off the road in the last seconds. As I reflected on the way home, I considered that I must have still wanted to live, because the opportunity to go what RIGHT THERE! So, here I am, swimming out of the sunken place, alive to tell the story! When I was a Clinician, a key criteria when determining suicidality was an individual being able to identify a reason for living. My daughter was my reason that night.

I can overwhelm myself sometimes. I am a professional overthinker. I will talk myself out of taking an opportunity, before the opportunity is presented. I convince myself that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not well enough to truly better myself. This poor thought process causes me to procrastinate. Hey, if I do not put anything out, there will not be anything to judge right? The truth of the matter is, I know that I am capable of so much. I know that I have so much to offer the world. I know that I am sitting on a gold mine of ideas, but I often stand in my own way.

Something that I stand by is “I WILL NOT LIVE MY LIFE DEFEATED”! I am going to gain control over my life again. I will become the influential force who I know I can be. I have been called a silent force and I know how powerful my voice can be. So, look out world, Dr. Kierystan L. Johnson is coming!

Finally, I want to announce that I after much procrastination and self-doubt, I finally moved forward with applying for an LLC! My business is coming into fruition right before my eyes!

I will end this blog with a reflective quote: “Stop booing yourself off of stage, before anyone has a chance to see you perform”